Too bad, but it’s the life you lead.

It’s the songs that I keep remembering in the movies we watched. In Hellboy 2, I was caught off-guard by a very appropriate use of “Beautiful Freak” by Eels, a song that has always destroyed me, because I have always wanted to feel “normal,” whatever that means, because I have not loved the fact that I am trans, I have thought of it as something that has come between me and so many of the experiences that I have yearned for, and I have let myself feel ashamed of it and let myself feel like it is strange when it is not. If you are trans then it is perfectly “normal” to be trans because that is what you are. And that is beautiful. And I know that now but I spent too long letting it make me feel like I was not worthy of love from others. 

You’re such a beautiful freak
I wish there were more just like you
You’re not like all of the others 

And that is why I love you
Beautiful freak, beautiful freak

Some people think you have a problem
But that problem lies only with them

We also watched 13 Going on 30, a film so bad that there’s something audacious about the fact that it tries to get away with using a song as beautiful as “Vienna” by Billy Joel. But as terrible as the film is and as much as I hate how desperately it reinforces traditional notions about gender and domesticity, watching it made a kind of sense, since it’s a movie about a teenager trying to pretend to be an adult, and I still often feel like a confused, fumbling teenager who is pretending to be an adult myself. 

I was wearing a Gone Home t-shirt that day, and thinking about how I once wrote of the game that its "coming-of-age story resonated with me more deeply than most because, although I’m older than she is, I’m still experiencing some of the feelings that Sam experiences in the game. In a very real way, I’m still coming of age myself.“ Of course Jennifer Garner’s character gets her dream house and her wedding with the boy who’s always loved her. Meanwhile, as hopeful as Gone Home is in some ways, Sam and Lonnie have to run away. Their love cannot live on in the Greenbriar home. The arc of the story ends with them leaving the house where they built their dreams, rather than ending up there.

And I don’t know what home looks like or if I’m heading toward something or away from it but I’m smart and afraid and I’m so tired of being on the borderline and I’ve got my passion and I’ve got my pride and I’m okay with never being fully satisfied and I still have dreams and I know they won’t all come true. 

"Too bad, but it’s the life you lead.” It’s all right. You could do a lot worse, that’s for sure.

Slow down, you crazy child.
You’re so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you’re so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where’s the fire? What’s the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don’t you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you’re doing fine.
You can’t be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it’s the life you lead.
You’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you’re wrong,
You know, you can’t always see when you’re right, you’re right.

You’ve got your passion. You’ve got your pride,
But don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It’s all right, you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?