
(from the December 6, 2011 entry in Love Dog)
There’s this silly game I’ve played, maybe once every six weeks or so. I don’t think I’ll be able to play it anymore if I write about it, so maybe I’m writing about it as a way of getting myself to stop. A way of getting myself to let go of it, which may be a step on the road to letting go of you.
There are two ways the game has worked. Sometimes–once in a great while–I’d tweet something and then the thought would pop into my head, “I bet C faves or RTs this tweet within five minutes.” I haven’t had the thought often, but when I have had it, I’ve been right.
The other way the game has worked–and I did this once in the past few days–is that I see that something someone I follow has tweeted has been retweeted a very small number of times. The tweet strikes me as the sort of thing that would appeal to you, and so, even though mathematically the odds of you being one of the people to have RT’d it are small, I just get this feeling that you’re one of them, and I give in to my curiosity, and I check. And there you are.
I know it’s silly. I know it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a bullshit way of feeling some kind of connection with you, or feeling like I understand some small part of you. I don’t really think that I do, at all. And despite the fact that I’ve played this silly game, social media is actually a powerful reminder of how not-connected we are, how your life is your life and my life is my life.
It’s funny–Have you noticed how I say “It’s funny” a lot, about things that aren’t really funny at all? I’ve caught myself doing that with you. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s funny how I manufacture these phony connections with you. It’s funny how, if only I’d wanted less with you and from you, if only I’d wanted to give less to you, I could have had more with you than I’ve had, given you a bit more than I’ve been able to give you.
I’ve got to stop putting things in the wrong place.
(as embedded in the December 10, 2011 entry in Love Dog)
Notes
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