The Way It Was Before I Met You: On The Americans, Season 4, Episode 7
On this season of The Americans, Philip and Elizabeth Jennings have found their relationship increasingly complicated by Philip’s devotion to his other wife, Martha. In this week’s episode, the FBI is closing in on Martha and the KGB has no choice but to try to get her on a plane to Russia; throughout the ordeal, Philip’s concern for Martha is obvious. But his devotion to her is not and never has been a threat to Elizabeth; rather, it’s Martha who is left out in the cold. He feels a sense of responsibility for Martha’s well-being, but no romantic love whatsoever. It’s Elizabeth who has his heart and soul.
His love for Elizabeth is so deep and so apparent that I actually resented her for doubting him, when she is so lucky to be loved by him in the way that she is.















I almost envy Martha’s ability to just take what she can get, to compromise and not look too closely at the circumstances of her relationship with Philip. I fall for people very rarely and very hard, and when I do, I want all in. I can’t accept half-measures when what I want with someone is a soul connection. But Martha knows that she is locked out of Philip’s life, compartmentalized into one small part of it, that she is not really his partner, and yet she holds on and holds on and holds on through so much, until the moment that she just can’t hold on anymore. Until Philip, in an act of being cruel to be kind, disregards Elizabeth’s advice…



…and tells Martha the truth.
















The most heartbreaking part of all of this isn’t when Martha is breaking down. It’s when she’s not. It’s when she finds that old familiar resolve inside herself. It’s when she knows that she can do this because of course she knows how to do it. She is accustomed to loneliness.


The fact that she has to be hard is the hardest thing.
Notes
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