It occurs to me now as my job search drags on just how differently I feel about looking for a job now than I would have back when I still presented to the world as male. Once upon a time, if I felt like I just needed work to help me make ends meet for a little while as I continued looking for other, better things, I might have pursued, say, jobs in call centers doing customer service or whatever, just any old straightforward job you might see on craigslist. And when I went after these jobs, I almost always got them. People interviewing me usually took an immediate shine to me, and I was very good at doing the work, even if I didn’t enjoy it or find it fulfilling in any way. I was successful and well-liked.

Now, I admit it: I’m extremely reluctant to go after work like this, even just as a stopgap. And it’s not just because I’m anxious about interviewing as a trans woman for some job at some random corporate place, though that’s certainly part of it. It’s more the fear that if I were dealing with customers, people over the phone or people in person, every new interaction would feel a bit like coming out all over again. Sure, when I got hired at GameSpot, I knew that hostility from readers about my being trans was going to be a reality, but I could and almost always did just choose to ignore it. And there was a sense, in taking such a public role as a trans woman, that I’d done it, I’d come out completely, it was over, and I would never have to deal with it professionally again. I knew I wouldn’t work for GameSpot forever, but I felt that my work there might lead in one way or another to work elsewhere where people already knew of me. My therapist described it as being like my escape from a nightmarish society in a science fiction film. Now, the prospect of having to deal every day with many, many people who are only just, in that moment of interaction, coming to terms with the fact that they’re interacting with a trans woman, and knowing that some of them might be awkward or rude or hostile about it, might feel a bit like returning to that scary place I thought I’d left behind for good. 

It’s sad but true to say that my experience was rare and very fortunate, that trans people face high rates of unemployment and high rates of hostility and harassment in the workplace. I was lucky to have a job where, among my colleagues, I never felt like it was an issue. I hope that I can continue to be so ridiculously fortunate.