sweat and strain: bell hooks and lou reed on soul connections and the work of romantic love
A few great posts lately from Masha on love, frustration…
How can you really know another person if you cannot handle them as real—frustrated and frustrating? If you cannot bear to respond to the ways you frustrate them and they frustrate you? If you cannot see frustration as something you can and must incorporate into the love relation? That is, live with.
What kind of relationships can we have if there is no space for conflict and frustration in our lives over all the political, social, economic, intellectual, and emotional challenges we face? If we shy away (cannot bond over) from voicing frustration, displeasure, and critique, not only are we not engaging with another person in a real way, we are not engaging with the world in a real way. Enjoyment of life must include our (productive and enduring) frustration with life.
…and the importance of thought in love, love as conscious action and the will to work through things…
“Thought is what makes frustration bearable, and frustration makes thought possible. Thinking modifies frustration, rather than evading it, by being a means by which we can go from feeling frustrated to figuring out what to do about it, and doing it—what might be called imagination—leading to real action in reality. And the ability to think also means, and depends upon, the ability to have a conversation. It is, we should note, the gulf between wanting and actually doing something about it…For Freud and Wilfred Bion, satisfaction takes thought.”
If thought makes frustration bearable, thinking is what makes love possible, endurable. Thinking-love is what allows us to invent solutions to problems, which also takes courage.
…have led me back to sections of All About Love by bell hooks. She writes,
Living in a culture where we are encouraged to seek a quick release from any pain has fostered a nation of individuals who are easily devastated by emotional pain, however relative. When we face pain in relationships, our first response is often to sever bonds rather than to maintain commitment…In the case of romantic relationships, many people fear getting trapped in a bond that is not working, so they flee at the onset of conflict…Running from the pain, they never know the fullness of love’s pleasure.
False notions of love teach us that it is the place where we will feel no pain, where we will be in a state of constant bliss. We have to expose the falseness of these beliefs to see and accept the reality that suffering and pain do not end when we begin to love. In some cases when we are making the slow journey back from lovelessness to love, our suffering may become more intense.
Later, hooks writes,
Time and time again when I talk to individuals about approaching love with will and intentionality, I hear the fear expressed that this will bring an end to romance. This is simply not so. Approaching romantic love from a foundation of care, knowledge, and respect actually intensifies romance.
When we love by intention and will, by showing care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility, our love satisfies.
All relationships have ups and downs. Romantic fantasy often nurtures the belief that difficulties and down times are an indication of a lack of love rather than part of the process. In actuality, true love thrives on the difficulties. The foundation of such love is the assumption that we want to grow and expand, to become more fully ourselves.
She then goes on to talk about the idea of the "soul connection,” a profoundly deep connection with another person which she quotes John Welwood as defining:
“A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on a deeper level. While a heart connection lets us appreciate those we love just as they are, a soul connection opens up a further dimension–seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence.”
And of the loving, committed couples she had spoken to, hooks said,
In all cases where individuals felt that they had known true love, everyone testified that the bonding was not easy or simple. To many folks this seems confusing precisely because our fantasy of true love is that it will be just that–simple and easy.
Embarking on such a relationship is frightening precisely because we feel there is no place to hide. We are known. Most of the time, we think that love means just accepting the other person as they are. Yet when we commit to true love, we are committed to being changed, to being acted upon by the beloved in a way that enables us to be more fully self-actualized. This commitment to change is chosen. It happens by mutual agreement. Again and again in conversations the most common vision of true love I have heard shared was one that declared it to be “unconditional.” True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change.
Constuctive struggle and change. “Sweat and strain.” Today as I was walking home, my phone shuffled up this song, and I think it was only tonight, with all these thoughts about Masha’s recent posts and bell hooks’ writing and my own struggles and the struggles of people I care about rattling around in my head, that I realized why it’s one of my favorite love songs.
You and me, we always sweat and strain
You look for sun, I look for rain
We’re different people, we’re not the same
The power of the sun
I looked at you and then you looked at me
I thought of the past, you thought of what could be
I asked you once again to marry me
You know me, I like to dream a lot
Of this and that and what is not
And finally I figured out what was what
It was the power of the heart
You and me, we sweat and strain,
The result’s always the same
I think somehow we’re in a game
You know me, I like to dream a lot
About what there is and what there’s not
But mainly I dream of you a lot
The power of your heart
I love this song because it’s about a soul connection, about a love that is not easy, about a love that can and does have a transformative effect.
I think the love between Laurie Anderson and Lou Reed must have been incredible.
As for me, it’s been a rough year. But as hooks writes, "Although I have experienced many disappointments in my quest to love and be loved, I still believe in the transformative power of love.“
Notes
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